My mom never seen me with any girls

4 Jul

Growing up I was always different from other kids, I guess that is why today I am different from other people. Growing up, I never had any girl friends, or female friends, or relationships.  My first crush when I was fifteen was with this girl Brandee. I liked her, never knew how to tell her how I felt about her, I always wated for three years thinking that her next boyfriend will be me. It never happened..

So during my years in high school, I had crushes on several girls, even asked some out, and they all turned me down. I was now seventeen, and still a virgin, still never had my first kiss, still not one female friend. My mom was getting worried about me, and started asking me when am I going to get a girlfriend. I told her soon, and that was what I thought.

I had a step dad who my mom married when I was sixteen. He was very strict on me. I was not allowed to go anywhere, But limited on where I could go, and when. Back then most teenagers went out on weekends, and every weekend. My step dad kept me home for most of my life. I was allowed once every two weeks to go somewhere like hang out at a parking lot, or go to the mall, But had to be home by eleven O clock. If I wanted to go out the following week, He said NO. You went out last week, you do not need to go out this week. I asked why ? He replied “Because I said so, That’s why” !

So today, and even back in those days, what girl would want someone like me who is limited on going out and enjoying life? Answer is no one. So this made it impossible for me to get any girlfriends. Eleventh grade I asked some girls out to the prom, all turned me down. So now that year was over with, and I still had no girl friends and still have not got my first kiss, while my guy friends already lost their virginity years ago, and had girls all the time.

Now my final year in school came. I thought I have a long time before the end, This should be the year for me to get or find a girlfriend.. Me being nineteen now, Still have not got my first kiss, or any girl intrested in me. The months flew by, the end is near, and no one. Prom time is around the corner, I asked over thirty girls out, and every one turned me down.

The night of my prom, I am sitting at home watching television downstairs away from my family, while the rest of my family was upstairs watching television. My mom came downstairs to me and asked me when is my prom, so she can buy me my suit I need to wear to go to it. I told her it is tonight, was tonight. She got upset, and asked me why I did not tell her about it sooner. I told her I was not going because I dont have or know anyone to go with, or who would go with me.

Less than two months after I graduated, my step dad kicked me out of his house. Still I have not got my first kiss, still a virgin. I was actually a really good looking kid, one who people would call me a jock, that is the looks I had, But were all thrown away because of this fucker. My years were wasted away.

So I found a place to stay, I lived out on my own for just over four years before returning home to live with him and mom for another long five years, It was only about eight months after I was kicked out of my step dads house that I finally got my first kiss at the age of twenty. I did not know how to kiss a girl, It was obvious even to her. It was on a beach during spring break..

Shortly after that, I started messing around some with girls. Still most of them were not intrested in me.  But I started to get more and more girls to kiss, and it was a huge leap for me back then. I talked to girls, went out with some, kissed some, had two small relationships back then. The first one lasted two weeks, then two years later I met this girl, we dated one month.

During those four years out, I never told my mom that I messed around with girls, or had those two girlfriends. I never felt the need to tell her, Plus I was embarrassed to tell her anything.

By the time I turned twenty three, I had to move back home because of financial crisis I had. My step dad let me back in his home, It was supposed to be just a few months, But it was four years and a half. During those years I found a job as a car mechanic. I saved some money to get back on my feet.  I worked so much that I had NO time to get out and socialize. It was work and home, karate, and fitness center.

Both places too, not one woman wanted me. I noticed, and understood I was getting older, not younger, and still a virgin, still had no one because I did not count those two small relationships as anything. As the years wore away, My mom kept asking me, When are you going to get a girlfriend? When are you going to get married? I told her by the time I am 28 I will have my own family by then.

Next thing I knew, I was 28, still a virgin, Mom still never seeing me with ANY girls. For a “guy” that age, he should have already been with several ladies by then, and lost his virginity long before then. A few months after my birthday, I finally got my own house, it was great. Freedom. I worked so much back then that I was hardly at home. Most of the time, twenty hours of the day, I was at work. I was working two jobs for nine months.

A few years went by, Mom moved back home to Athens Greece. I was now thirty, and still a virgin, and no one. I am getting older, I feel older, I look older, and am worried too because I do not want to grow old by my self. I would call my mom about once a month, she would call me once a month. Through out the years she lived there, which were her final years, she would ask me, when are you going to get a girlfriend? I told her I do not know.

By then I knew it was getting late, I gave up with girls at the age of twenty six because of the fact every girl would and has turned me down that I asked out. I understood that this is not meant for me. It is meant for me to be single all my life. I never told my mom this. I was beyond hurt, and nothing can change what is meant to be.

So now in 2005 in summer I was now thirty three years old, Still a virgin, still no girlfriends, and one day while I was at work I got a phone call from my older sister telling me that mom is sick, and things are not looking good, and that I better be ready for the worse. A few months later we found out it was cancer, and she only had a few months left to live.

Back then at that time, I was so financial broke, I was behind on my house payments, out of credit cards, behind on all my bills, No money, and I needed to go see my dying mom half way across the world. I did not know what to do, where to go, or what is going to happen. All I knew was I had no money, no credit cards, nothing to sell to go visit my dying mom.

On October a few weeks later my sister got me a plane ticket to go visit my mom at the end of the month. So when that day came, I went to visit my dying mom. Once I arrived there, I went straight to the hospital where she was at getting her dialysis done. All what was left was a skeleton with skin. I knew the end has came.

She lived exactly five days after I arrived. I spent as much time as I can with her, talking to her, enjoying the painful time with her because she was in bad shape, and it was obvious she would be gone soon. That friday night in her bedroom surrounded by her sisters, brothers, and me, she asked me again, When are you going to get a girlfriend? I was so hurt by now because of all the rejections I got from girls all these years, I told her, Mom, I will never get any girlfriends, I never will. This is how I am going to live my life. I tried too many years. She did not want to believe me because I was a good looking young man. She thought for all these years that I was not intrested in anyone. I wish it was that way.

That Saturday morning at four thirty I walked into the bedroom to check up on mom. It was too late. She died in her sleep some time past midnight, Her body was cold and stiff. I looked down on the floor, knotted my head, and said to my self, Mom never seen me with any girls, or girlfriends. It hit me in the gut.

On the day of her funeral while viewing her body, The whole time I was looking at her, and saying to my self, Mom never seen me with any girls , never. She went to her grave wondering about her only son if he is gay or what is wrong with him. She always thought it was my choice not to have anyone. I shed some tears thinking of that. This was not normal for a straight son to never have any girlfriends that wanted girls for so many years..

So to end this, just over a month after her death, I met this girl at a resturant, I was now thirty four years old, and the next night I lost my virginity, and I guess that is why it was only a one night stand because I just learned that night about sex, and she could tell I was new to this, and should not have been new to this….   As the years went on, I dated two more girls / women. One relationship lasted one month, the other just over four, and since my mothers death, I have slept with over twelve women, give or take, But still today if I would try again asking women out, It would be the same thing as it was thirty two years ago from the beginning, But this I leave alone, and go with the flow. If it is meant to be it would happen, But now at my age, as I get older, the chances get dimmer. Oh well ! .

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